It’s been a while since I sat down and wrote anything creative. I used to write and create all the time – stories, poems, paintings, sculptures. But lately, I can’t get the words across. And I know why. Trauma has a way of stifling creativity. When we experience trauma, our focus shifts from the things that bring us joy to the things that keep us alive. We become consumed by worry, stress, just trying to survive. The unspoken consequences of trauma can be deep and lasting. For me, the process of grieving and healing has been slow and difficult. But I’m getting there little by little. And little by little, I’m starting to feel like I’m more in control of how to cope, heal, and work at the same time.
The type of PTSD I have is not one I can get from treatment and it is disappearing. Oh, how I wish that would go away! I have CPTSD and it is constantly debilitating. The list of everyday symptoms is long. I have to deal with it and work anyway. When I say work, I’m not talking about getting up and having a 9-5. I couldn’t handle it now. My mental health is such that I can work for a while and then I have to rest a bit. There’s not much room for anything other than facing.
To help me through this, I’m trying my best to accept the way things are. I have an ideal that I want to achieve but really, I don’t think my expectations of myself are realistic. I have to adapt what I do to keep getting things done and taking care of myself. I never know what a day will look like for me. It’s a daily battle to survive and I do. It’s just hard and I’m tired. I thought I would take some time off this summer after my spring breakup with work and heartache. The pain of trauma recovery has been immense. The break didn’t really recharge me but rather gave me time to accept my situation more. I’m working on it.
I created checklists and schedules that are a big help in staying organized each week. There’s a lot to running a small business, and having multiple sources of income makes it more complicated. I also worked on revamping old ideas and dreams I had for myself and adapting them to my life now. I work through things. Coping with grounding and lots of mindfulness throughout the day to stay present. The healing continues. Thank you for reading and for your continued support even when I am unable to post much.
