I was triggered into a depressive episode after having a severe infection. The feelings and the signs were all there but I felt powerless to change things. Even as I practiced the coping skills I had learned, I felt myself sinking longer and lower into depression. I can handle 5-7 things happening, but when there are 10-15 things stressing me out, I crumble. I think anyone would do it under my life circumstances, plus the debilitating symptoms of PTSD.
I have to remember that I wake up with some stress and accept that I’m not running like someone who doesn’t have PTSD, so I have to give myself a break. The denial that I even have PTSD and should be able to do anything at any time without that consideration is cruelty on my part. I struggled with this for years. I am always talking to myself, researching specific things and talking to myself more.
I do my best to live in the present, but my PTSD is a condition that constantly brings back memories and a range of other symptoms that are difficult and exhausting to deal with. I don’t get a break and the relief is fleeting. It’s hard to live like this. I make small changes to try and get out of depression and it seems to work a bit. It will take longer than I would like, but what else is new. Patience is part of self-compassion that I also struggle with.
I would really love to deal with this stuff and writing is a great way to do that. It’s also a way to deregulate me if it’s not done gently. It’s difficult. I feel like I want to rush, but healing doesn’t work that way and is by no means linear. Goals are trackable, but the planning part is pretty much a wash. Everything I plan has to be constantly adapted and it gets muddy and confusing after a while of having to change so many paths.
I can’t sit in person with a trauma therapist yet. I’m not ready to trust anyone with all this information yet. It seems that the therapy and treatment with drugs was a failure for me. After many therapists and a few successful treatments, I feel betrayed, lied to and abandoned. It will take me time to find the courage to try again.
I feel like they all want me to shut up. It’s a disheartening feeling. I can see there’s a problem that I’m going to deregulate but what am I supposed to do with all this in my head? Maybe they can’t handle that either. I wish taking a pill would help, but mostly I just feel numb and unsafe. The therapist in the hospital when I was in the partial hospitalization program that I just had to live in the moment and not try to process the amount of trauma I had and that using art and journaling to process the trauma could be ruminating instead of processing and hurting me. It was like shit to hear that.
I started healing full time and have dedicated so much of my life to healing for the past 8 years and it was the right decision for me. I haven’t been able to work much and can still only work part-time, but I have some good strategies going on. I may be able to live independently again in a few years. I’m ashamed of this, but I’m also grateful that my family is helping me through this difficult time in my life. Progress is being made but it is slow. Too many changes too fast are also not sustainable as are small incremental changes. I will work on my patience and self-compassion this week.
