For most of my life, I’ve been running away from my feelings. I avoided them to survive because I wasn’t ready. I couldn’t face the truth of what had happened to me. I was still surviving every day, every minute trying to hide all those pent up feelings, thoughts and memories at once. I lied and pretended to be fine when every day I wanted to die. However, I am not dead. I lived but lost a lot in the process. There are things that I never had because of the abuse and I try to accept that.
In this new stage of CPTSD recovery, life finally slowed down. I am no longer in a state of heightened anxiety. Helping me overcome anxiety and get back to a calmer place has become much easier with practice. While less anxiety is fucking fantastic, life slowed down until I could assess my losses. I can see them now. The pain is immense.
The pain is constant as always but it has changed. It’s not as clean as before. It has grown and takes up a lot of space. I spend a lot of time with it trying to come to terms with where I am with the adaptation. I’m learning to live differently and it’s a continuous and difficult process.
To cope with the pain, I tried to take very good care of myself. I was exhausted so I’m resting as much as I can. Hygiene and good nutrition have been difficult and I isolate myself a lot. I try to stay in the moment and use grounding. I burst into tears again and feel very overwhelmed. Things are improving, however, very slowly.
I was unable to complete some custom orders for work, so I had to refund customers. They were all nice about it but I wasn’t nice to myself about it. At least I realize what I’m doing. Changing it is difficult. I started noticing the cruelty while it was happening and turning it around to be more considerate of myself. I find it hard to accept my limits. Accepting that I still have the CPTSD is difficult. I tend to treat myself as if I should be able to do everything smoothly and it’s a personal failure if I don’t. I just have to accept that I can’t be an artist right now while I’m grieving. Maybe it’s something I can do in the future, but right now I can’t.
So, I recognize that the CPTSD took away a lot of my ability to work. Focusing is difficult. Most of my time and energy is still spent managing my symptoms. My recovery did not become easier or less painful. It’s just hard in new ways.
The abuse I suffered as a child and young adult stole parts of my life. I don’t remember much of my life right now. I also feel like I did the best I could with my situation. I am determined to have a better life. I’m not done here and I still have work to do sharing what I’ve learned about healing, coping skills, and how to love yourself through the healing process.
The trauma has taken my ability to work, focus, remember, connect, stay present, and more than I can count. I have to name things to accept that trauma has played and continues to play a huge role in my life. I would keep trying. Thanks for the reading.
